Beforemath

Fine. Fine. I’ll admit it, I’m terrified.

One or two days  from now, depending on when I decide to publish this post, I will be participating in something that could very well change my life for the worst, or the best. I’m not sure if that makes me feel more anxious, excited, or curios about the upcoming year. It sure makes me feel hungry.

I’m excited. I can see myself already, sitting with a cup of hot tea on an oversized sofa with three cute grandkids around me. They’ll be wearing itchy sweaters that I made for them and looking up at me with wide eyes, while I whisper the stories of my 2014 dare to scare experiences. Whispering makes everything seem more dramatic and exciting.

I’m curios. Who knows who I’ll turn out to be after this journey. Maybe I’ll end up a super hot model, with a singing and acting career as a day job and a overly muscular –yet highly attractive — lady superhero, who fights crime, as a night job. Who knows? Maybe, instead, I’ll turn out to be a troll with pink and green chest hairs who wont let people cross bridges. Hopefully not the later, but I wouldn’t mind the pink and green chest hairs part. I guess I’ll just have to wait to find out.

Mostly, I’m anxious. What if this really does take a turn for the worst? What if I just give up? What if I cant get myself to do it? What if my habitual laziness takes over and embraces me with open arms, in a steaming bathtub? There are so many possibilities for failure and humiliation and destruction. I might be open to the destruction part, but humiliation and failure are no fun without dramatic background music.

I’m all those things, anxious, curious, excited, and more. I’m that seventeen year old girl who is at a pretty lost phase in her life. I’m that girl with her hair sticking against her skin because she keeps waiting five more minutes to shower. I’m her. And I’m ready.

I’m ready to take on the world, and scare myself alive. I’m ready to overcome the obstacles life has to offer and openly embrace the cure to my social awkwardness. I’m ready to hold my nose a little higher and push my shoulders back so I look like a bulldozer; an attractive, not yellow, human, bulldozer.

I’m ready. If only I was just as ready to take a shower.